The Interns Production of My Husband is a Vampire

The Interns are putting on a play.  Or maybe it is an opera?  I haven't been to any of the rehearsals.  And I just Nerf dart any of them that start practicing lines around me.  I want to be surprised at the showing. 

The boss is going to be out for three days this coming week (Wed-Fri).  Something about a golf retreat in Arizona.  So, Wednesday will be business as usual.  Thursday will be spent putting up the stage and building props for the production.  Friday morning will be the show followed up by drinks at lunch for celebration.  After wards the interns get to clean up their mess before Monday while I stay at wherever we are celebrating.

The Interns are working extra hard right now because we have gotten crazy enough to think that we should hire a couple of them.  That puts them into a position of power and no hazing.  To think... they would be on an equal level as I?

Contraband Coffee Mugs

Other offices have shutdown to cut back costs.  So there is a flood of items from old offices coming in.  We've gotten extra desks, file cabinets, computers, projectors, etc.  You name it we got it.  I was out sick a couple days when the good stuff came in and my intern did save anything for me.  Bastard is now taking out the garbage (cleaning my car). 

There is one item though that has been deemed contraband to have, coffee mugs.  Now why would coffee mugs with our own company logo be contraband?  The owner of the company can't stand the site of them.  If he sees you with one it will cause you to get an ass chewing.  That is why it is considered contraband.  There just coffee mugs right?

Well, one of the offices that shutdown used company money to get the coffee mugs.  They paid WAY too much for them.  I think the figure was something like $250 a mug?  There were some fraudulence going on.  I think one of the managers bought himself a personal golf cart shortly after the order was placed.  So it is a sore spot to everyone's boss. 

Our interns are setting up for the next LAN party in the small conference room with all our new non-contraband items. 

Cheers,

Acidity Test Results

Jimbo (Chief Intern) spent the better part of the Friday morning measuring urinal cakes.  I think the gas mask he was wearing made his work go slower.  But it was a requirement from the rule book.  So without further ado, here are the results:

Wayne:
 - original cake size: 7.8 oz
 - final cake size: 6.5 oz
 - total change: 1.3 oz
 - Strategy: Black Coffee!!!

Ben:
 - original cake size: 8 oz
 - final cake size: 7.1 oz
 - total change: 0.9 oz
 - Stategy: Mountain Dew (banking on the potency of yellow 5)

Shaun:
- original cake size: 7.6 oz
- final cake size: 4.0 oz
- total change: 3.6 oz
- Stategy: Flat out cheating and lots of Coke (it can clean an engine right?)
- Reason for Disqualification: Intern was caught rubbing the urinal cake against the urinal to wear down the exterior of the cake.

Roger:
 - original cake size: 7.9 oz
 - final cake size: 5.8 oz
 - total change: 2.1 oz
 - Strategy: Shear amount of coffee. 

Dave:
 - original cake size: 8.1 oz
 - final cake size: 7.6 oz
 - total change: 0.5 oz
 - Strategy: Lots of any fluid

Myself:
 - original cake size: 7.9 oz
 - final cake size: 6.9 oz
 - total change: 1 oz
 - Strategy: Coffee for breakfast, Dr. Pepper for lunch, Water from then on so I could sleep at night.

So Roger won easily.  I believe Roger drinks on average 15 cups of coffee on a regular basis. He picked it up for this event. I'm not sure exactly what he got it up to. But I think at the hieght of the competition we were going through a can of coffee a day. 

It reminds me of the joke, you can tell a real smoker by the number of lighters they go through in a day. 

Straight black coffee seems to be the victor.  Although I wish Shaun wouldn't have cheated.  He really messed up the scientific results.  I would have liked to have had a solid soda variable in the test.  I watered my urine down to much at night just so that I could sleep.  I need my eight hours.  And then another 10 at night. 

Prizes:

Roger took Jimbo as his personal intern.  Jim seems to be the only intern that can take constant ridicule.  For crying out loud he wore the Chiquita Banana costume to a video conference call!  I have to admit it was pretty hilarious.  Jimbo was hidden but not around the conference table as we had a video conference call with HQ.  A big dog from HQ was giving a presentation on benefit changes.  You could tell exactly when he could see Jim.  Props to the VP, he didn't even ask what the hell was going on.  He just put on his corporate smile and kept plugging away.

For second place, Wayne earned a razor.  Not as anything related to the contest.  He just has a discusting mustache that needs to go. 

Indoor Activities

I love the part on the movie StepBrothers where they build bunk beds.  "We have so much more room for activities."  Well, when it rains we need indoor activities.  Just next time it won't be indoor paintball.  That stuff does NOT come off the walls very easily.  The Interns had to repaint some hallways and a couple offices.  And it is not legal to hide in the ceiling tiles!  I don't care what Wayne or Jake say.  I didn't have some 6 foot 6 behemoth to use to climb into the rafters.  So it just isn't good sportsmanship that they should do that.

Employee Reviews

Employee Reviews are late this year.  We were supposed to do them in April so that raises could be posted in June.  But since everyone is so scarred about even keeping their job and no raises will be given any ways, reviews have been pushed back a wee bit.


Lurch's Interview:

Boss: "You're not Jake."

Intern #3: "I'm filling in for him today."

Boss: "Where is he?"

Intern #3: "He is in a meeting."

Boss: "What meeting?  This is a little more important right?"

Intern #3: "Its with a customer."

Boss: "So Jake sent you." 

Intern #3: "Yeah."

Boss: "And Jake is comfortable with you hearing about his personal review, salary, performance and goals?"

Intern #3: "He said his performance speaks for itself and that I should model after him." 

Boss: "..."

You can tell at this point boss man is trying to figure out how to handle this and put it to his advantage.  After a half an hour it looks like Lurch now has goals higher than anyone, more responsibility, more troublesome customers than before, and is giving up his every other Friday off. 

Lurch: "Man.  I wonder when they are going to schedule my review."

Me: "I wouldn't worry too much about it."



Ben's Interview:

Boss: "Hey Ben."

Ben: "Hello."

(high five)

Boss: "Good review."

Ben: "Thanks."

Our boss knows how much arsenal Ben has.  Ben is a workaholic any ways.  Don't fcuk with Ben.  He keeps bunnies that are dangerous enough to kill Steven Seagal, not Chuck Norris, but Steven Seagal.