Contraband Coffee Mugs

Other offices have shutdown to cut back costs.  So there is a flood of items from old offices coming in.  We've gotten extra desks, file cabinets, computers, projectors, etc.  You name it we got it.  I was out sick a couple days when the good stuff came in and my intern did save anything for me.  Bastard is now taking out the garbage (cleaning my car). 

There is one item though that has been deemed contraband to have, coffee mugs.  Now why would coffee mugs with our own company logo be contraband?  The owner of the company can't stand the site of them.  If he sees you with one it will cause you to get an ass chewing.  That is why it is considered contraband.  There just coffee mugs right?

Well, one of the offices that shutdown used company money to get the coffee mugs.  They paid WAY too much for them.  I think the figure was something like $250 a mug?  There were some fraudulence going on.  I think one of the managers bought himself a personal golf cart shortly after the order was placed.  So it is a sore spot to everyone's boss. 

Our interns are setting up for the next LAN party in the small conference room with all our new non-contraband items. 

Cheers,

Acidity Test Results

Jimbo (Chief Intern) spent the better part of the Friday morning measuring urinal cakes.  I think the gas mask he was wearing made his work go slower.  But it was a requirement from the rule book.  So without further ado, here are the results:

Wayne:
 - original cake size: 7.8 oz
 - final cake size: 6.5 oz
 - total change: 1.3 oz
 - Strategy: Black Coffee!!!

Ben:
 - original cake size: 8 oz
 - final cake size: 7.1 oz
 - total change: 0.9 oz
 - Stategy: Mountain Dew (banking on the potency of yellow 5)

Shaun:
- original cake size: 7.6 oz
- final cake size: 4.0 oz
- total change: 3.6 oz
- Stategy: Flat out cheating and lots of Coke (it can clean an engine right?)
- Reason for Disqualification: Intern was caught rubbing the urinal cake against the urinal to wear down the exterior of the cake.

Roger:
 - original cake size: 7.9 oz
 - final cake size: 5.8 oz
 - total change: 2.1 oz
 - Strategy: Shear amount of coffee. 

Dave:
 - original cake size: 8.1 oz
 - final cake size: 7.6 oz
 - total change: 0.5 oz
 - Strategy: Lots of any fluid

Myself:
 - original cake size: 7.9 oz
 - final cake size: 6.9 oz
 - total change: 1 oz
 - Strategy: Coffee for breakfast, Dr. Pepper for lunch, Water from then on so I could sleep at night.

So Roger won easily.  I believe Roger drinks on average 15 cups of coffee on a regular basis. He picked it up for this event. I'm not sure exactly what he got it up to. But I think at the hieght of the competition we were going through a can of coffee a day. 

It reminds me of the joke, you can tell a real smoker by the number of lighters they go through in a day. 

Straight black coffee seems to be the victor.  Although I wish Shaun wouldn't have cheated.  He really messed up the scientific results.  I would have liked to have had a solid soda variable in the test.  I watered my urine down to much at night just so that I could sleep.  I need my eight hours.  And then another 10 at night. 

Prizes:

Roger took Jimbo as his personal intern.  Jim seems to be the only intern that can take constant ridicule.  For crying out loud he wore the Chiquita Banana costume to a video conference call!  I have to admit it was pretty hilarious.  Jimbo was hidden but not around the conference table as we had a video conference call with HQ.  A big dog from HQ was giving a presentation on benefit changes.  You could tell exactly when he could see Jim.  Props to the VP, he didn't even ask what the hell was going on.  He just put on his corporate smile and kept plugging away.

For second place, Wayne earned a razor.  Not as anything related to the contest.  He just has a discusting mustache that needs to go. 

Indoor Activities

I love the part on the movie StepBrothers where they build bunk beds.  "We have so much more room for activities."  Well, when it rains we need indoor activities.  Just next time it won't be indoor paintball.  That stuff does NOT come off the walls very easily.  The Interns had to repaint some hallways and a couple offices.  And it is not legal to hide in the ceiling tiles!  I don't care what Wayne or Jake say.  I didn't have some 6 foot 6 behemoth to use to climb into the rafters.  So it just isn't good sportsmanship that they should do that.

Apples are the Rubics Cube of our office

I'm not sure if you've seen the YouTube videos, but there is a technique you can use to crack an apple in half.  Most guys in the office have tried it.  Most guys have claimed they can do it.  Just no one has done it in front of me.  I think they are full of it.  Personally I think it is a practical joke that apple growers developed to boost sales.  I just made a mess on my first attempt.  I've got one more apple in my bag of two that I bought today.  I'll try again tomorrow.  I can't eat another apple right now.

Hiring!

The economy is in the crapper.  Industries that have been suffering continue to suffer.  Those that have been okay are now feeling the effects.  So what is my company doing hiring? 

[ Deep within a cave with torches attached to the wall for light.  Just picture darkness, bats, sounds of water dripping, and the sounds torches make when they are moved really quickly in a movie. ]

Boss: "We've got no way of making a profit this year.  Most of us were actually frightful of losing our jobs."

Wayne: "Were?  Were afraid of losing our jobs?"

Boss: "Yeppers.  But we figured out a way to keep everyone's job."

[grins all around]

Boss: "Actually there will be quite a bit more people around."

[confused looks all around]

Boss: "By an accounting and tax loop hole the more potential debt we assume the more we can rack up on credit.  The new government has given us the opportunity to take on up to... "

[ Boss puts on glasses and looks at notes on paper ]

Boss: "145 small business loans."

Roger: "So we can use loans to pay for things until things pickup?"

Boss: "That is the plan.  If we use up to 60 loans up are able to coast for 2 years.  If we use up to 120 loans we can expand and make ourselves appear to be more profitable to potential buyers."

Me: "Won't potential buyers look at the books and see we have outstanding debts that are unpayable?"

Boss: "Not if we get enough people that a major buyer can assume such a large debt without blinking.  So we have to become massive."

Me: "But what will all these people be doing?"

Boss: "We obviously don't have enough work for them to do.  We are covering everything already.  I need everyone here to make up fake work for new employees to do."

[ good thing we already do that for the interns ]

Movie of the Week: The Motorcycle Diaries

Fake Meeting sent to HR:
Where: Conference Room
When: 11:30 PM Friday
Topic:

• Changes in the BS reports
• Tracking Sheets
• Lessons learned from the management course Jerry/Dave just attended
• Updated utilities in company software

Real Meeting:

Where: Conference Room
When: 7:30 PM
Topic:

• Film: The Motorcycle Diaries

I'm not kidding they are actually BS Reports.  They stand for Building Strength.  It is a whole teamwork thing.  You would have thought that there would have been one person in management that would have caught it right?  I also hear that they are going to start a training regime called Foundation University.  What are those initials?  I want a t-shirt that says FU Instructor.  I think that would be awesome.

The whole purpose of this meeting is so that we can watch a good movie on an extremely nice projector with the high quality sound system we voted for in the office construction.  Oh, and we can expense the pizzas we buy.  Accounting will only catch us if they look at the time of the credit card reciept.

I don't know about you, but I consider this a team building exercise.

What does an HR person do?

Seriously?  What do HR people do 98% of the time when they don't have any "real" work.  As an HR person you stress at just a few times:

1. Just hired a new employee - what forms do they need to fill out?
2. It is end of the year - are all the tax forms sent to the accountant properly?
3. Just fired or had an employee leave voluntarilly - I have to do an exit interview.
4. Employee wants to know how many vacation/sick days they have used/have left - that took 5 minutes.  I'm going on break now.

Exit interviews.  Those are bridge burners waiting to happen.  You're leaving, what went wrong?

HR Lady: "Since you're leaving do you have any plans of working somewhere elese?"

Porshce: "Yep.  I got a job at XYZ company.  I got a sweet pay raise."

HR Lady: "So money was a factor in you leaving?"

Porsche: "Well money was one.  Bad management was another.  I never got anything interesting to do.  Oh.  And my boss was trying to sleep with me."

HRL: "Excuse me?"

Porsche: "Yeah.  Dave was always looking down my shirt.  He patted me on the ass a couple times.  He found every reason in the world to come into my office and talk to me; music, work, my boyfriend, living in Wisconsin, college,..."

HRL: "I find that hard to believe.  Why didn't you say anything during the sexual harrassment training?"

Porsche: "I liked the attention most times.  Plus Dave made it where other people had to do most of the work.  I could sit around on MySpace and play on iTunes.  But I'm really leaving because of the money."

HRL: "Do you want to file any complaints against Dave?  Should he be removed?"

Porsche: "Nah.  He's your problem now.  I don't want anything to do with it.  You have fun with it."

HRL: "... "

Geocached some items

I left some of my own items out while camping over the weekend. I appreciated the surprise I got while geocaching so I thought I should return the favor.

Out on a mountain bike trail I found some great places in the woods to leave some items. Ever heard of bear bangers? Yeah. Let's just say, don't pull on the rope that looks to be attached to the geocaching box.

Burritos. Now comes smoking. What next?

Shawn went full vegan for a good several weeks before he was finally busted.  You remember the trip to the hospital due to gas buildup?  Well Burrito Babe found out that he wasn't a vegan.  The guy did pretty good.  He cleaned out his house of all toxic protein and memorabilia.  Yes, there is such thing as beef memorabilia, at least when you are a bachelor and haven't taken out the trash with 200 old Whopper/Double Quarter Pount/ or White Kastle wrappers lining your kitchen.  But women are unpredictable. 

Burrito Babe showed up unnannounced two minutes after the delivery driver was making his 2 large extra meat and cheese drop off.  Unfortunately even Shawn isn't smooth enough to get through that one unscathed. 

So smoking is the latest thing.  I liked it better when he was in that cooking class and brought in cakes and pastries.  Or when he was in yoga and had yet another trip to the hospital.  (something about putting your foot behind your head and pulling his groin)  There is a hottie on another floor that smokes.  So in order to find reasons to be around her he recently picked up smoking. 

Now there are some sure fire ways to tell a new smoker. 

1.  Coughing.  Real smokers don't cough.  They actually re-inhale what they just exhaled to get more nicotine. 
2.  Holding a cigarette correctly.  Real smokers know how to hold a cigarette like they've been doing for years, because frankly they have.

Now the brand of cigarette you choose also plays a big factor as well.  It is safe to go with Camel or Marlboro.  But then you have to know the difference between which political stance you are taking when you choose hard pack or soft pack.  What does this say about you as a person?  Or better yet, in bed?

So, Shawn now rolls his own cigarettes in attempt to appear the most manly.  Plus it makes him look like he is smoking weed to the non-smokers.  And when a smoker asks about it knowing that it isn't pot, he can say something casually like, "Its got less of the bad stuff.  I just get the nicotine." 

Now the problem with trying to catch up with a girl on a different floor that smokes is that you have to take a LOT of smoke breaks.  Shawn is probably gonna get cancer trying to hook up with this girl.

Sleep Clinic - Part 2

Jake: "Okay, that's 20 offices.  20 patients.  20 beds.  We can't fit 20 beds in Jerry's office even if it is flipping huge.  We've go 20 old desktops / servers we can use for fake sleep monitors.  So our only problem is keeping all this junk and moving it everyday."

[brainstorming session at the pub]

We decided to create a series of pulley systems in the offices farthest away from Jerry's office.  So we shove all the beds into Jerry's office that we can and the remaining ones get lifted into the rafters above the ceiling tiles during the day while everyone is at work.  We build these decks that look like window washer platforms that hold beds and sleep monitoring devices.  You flip back the ceiling tiles, tug on some pulleys and the platform is safely hidden away. 

Initial contruction cost a bit, but we still had a little bit of money left over in our Research and Development division that I established last year for a kegger / LAN party, nearly forgot about that one.

Interns make up flyers and post some advertisements on Craigslist.  Out of the 57 responses we recieved back on Craigslist, we took the hotest, err, ...most promising 20.  I'm only concerned about one applicant that we still accepted, he has sleep panic disorder.  I think we'll give him some "herbal" tea.  I still have some Loritab left over from my wisdom teeth being removed. 

Jerry goes on his biking trip this Saturday and is gone Labor Day week and the following.  Sleep clinic starts Monday night.  $3k a pop @ 20 patients = $60k.  Let's see if we can make it go down without a hitch.

Sleep Clinic - part 1

Roger had a wonderful idea last year.  His parents went on a two week cruise.  They have a very nice 6 bedroom house.  So he was in charge of "looking after things" while they were on their trip.  Roger has never been good about saving money.  He usually needs to borrow money just to buy a taco.  But Roger hit gold.  He setup a fake Sleep Clinical Trial that lasted 2 weeks.  He had 6 "patients" that had their sleep monitored.  Some people were there because they had troubles sleeping.  So to prepare them for deep REM sleep they had various activities that were to assist them in aiding their sleep (lots of cleaning and removing weeds from the garden). 

There were other activities to not lead people on that this was a total fraud.  His parents also have 5 horses.  People were taking care of horses as a way to "connect with nature" and manure.  As to not make it look like people were gardening, cleaning and washing only, Roger put on two yoga classes.  He learned a AM Yoga session and a PM Yoga session from his mom's DVD collection.  He lead the class for 1/2 an hour every morning and night.  It was worth it.  I think @ $3,000 a person for 2 weeks @ 6 people = $18,000 he made out okay.  Plus when his parents came back the house was clean, de-weeded, and better than when they left.  Right?  Wrong.  Roger did blow six grand the last day throwing an all out party after his patients left and holds on checks had cleared the bank. 

So with our boss going on his two week vacation we had the idea to do the same as Roger.

Jake: "So do we break into Jerry's house or what?" 

Me: "Nah.  He's got a serious alarm system and nosy neighbors from what I hear.  Can't get past it.  I already tried with one of our interns to see if we could use Jerry's TV the last time he went out of town.  The intern did make it past the dogs."

Jake: "The big screen?"

Me: "Yeah."

Jake: "Where else?"

Ben: "We could have it here."

Jake: "In the office?"

Ben: "We just need to bring in some beds or cots and hide them during the day.  The sleep patients would only come at night.  We hook some fake monitors up to their heads and kick them out by 7.  People have to go to work any ways.  They probably need to go home and shower and get ready for work just like everyone else in the world."

Jake: "Yeah, we just won't have the whole day spa like Roger did.  We can use Jerry's office to hold the beds.  He'll be gone.  Perfect storage." 

Me: "What is our excuse that we are going to be still here past 5 o'clock when most people know we leave more around 4:30?"

Intern #2: "Leave like normal.  Have a pint.  Come back and check in your patients @ 9:00PM." 

Chief Intern Jim: "What time does the cleaners come by?"

Me: "ooh... good call.  Uh.  Jake you talk to the building manager and let them know we need the cleaners to be done with our office 8:30 because of..."

Intern #2: "Server changes?"

Ben: "Anthrax, err... Construction?"

Me: "Quit sniffing the envelopes with white powder.  No, just say server changes and lots of IT work will be going on at night and we'll have cabling and ceiling tiles on the floor and in the way."

Jake: "On it."

Employee Reviews

Employee Reviews are late this year.  We were supposed to do them in April so that raises could be posted in June.  But since everyone is so scarred about even keeping their job and no raises will be given any ways, reviews have been pushed back a wee bit.


Lurch's Interview:

Boss: "You're not Jake."

Intern #3: "I'm filling in for him today."

Boss: "Where is he?"

Intern #3: "He is in a meeting."

Boss: "What meeting?  This is a little more important right?"

Intern #3: "Its with a customer."

Boss: "So Jake sent you." 

Intern #3: "Yeah."

Boss: "And Jake is comfortable with you hearing about his personal review, salary, performance and goals?"

Intern #3: "He said his performance speaks for itself and that I should model after him." 

Boss: "..."

You can tell at this point boss man is trying to figure out how to handle this and put it to his advantage.  After a half an hour it looks like Lurch now has goals higher than anyone, more responsibility, more troublesome customers than before, and is giving up his every other Friday off. 

Lurch: "Man.  I wonder when they are going to schedule my review."

Me: "I wouldn't worry too much about it."



Ben's Interview:

Boss: "Hey Ben."

Ben: "Hello."

(high five)

Boss: "Good review."

Ben: "Thanks."

Our boss knows how much arsenal Ben has.  Ben is a workaholic any ways.  Don't fcuk with Ben.  He keeps bunnies that are dangerous enough to kill Steven Seagal, not Chuck Norris, but Steven Seagal.

Best... T-shirt... Ever

Silence is Golden

LAN Party results

(ring ring)

"Bob's boat shop, lemme check your hull"

"Bob?"

"Yeppers"

"Can you let me in?"

(buzz)

10 people carrying cables, consoles, computers, stereo equipment, booze, snacks and everything a college freshman hides in his dorm walks into the office. 

(1/2 an hour later)

"I hate to be a perfectionist but we better tape down these cables or we're gonna trip over them later when we are jumping around doing victory dances."

An intern points an electric hand held drill like a revolver.  "Screwing is good." 

"Yep.  But from what I hear from the ladies, you should stick to carpentry."

(another 1/2 hour later)

"These are some freakin' awesome homo cookies."

"There not homo cookies!  I just know how to bake!  That doesn't make me a homo!"

(2 hours later... and a bit of caffeine)

"Get the points!" 

"IswearI'llgetthepoints!  IswearI'llgetthepoints!  FrickfrickfrickFCUKFCUKFCUK!!!!"

(37 minutes later)

"You can not base jump from the inside of an office building."

"Yes you can!  If you blow out a window and open your shute with your back to the window the wind will just jerk you out of the building.  I swear I saw it on Myth Busters."

"You're a fcukin liar."

(40 minutes later)

"I betcha my Corolla could pull a jet ski."

"What good is that if you don't own a jet ski?"

"Well that is if I get a jet ski I won't have to buy a truck to tow it."

"I bet your Corolla couldn't even tow a mailbox." 

"I bet it could tow a car."

"What about sideways?"

(3 hours till people start showing up for work again)

"We're out of fire extinguishers.  We broke into the other offices on 6 and 7 and took all of those.  The rest of the fires will smolder out in another 20 minutes.  The fire department has the car outside taken care of."

"So same time next week?"

"Yeppers."

----

We kinda went overboard. There were small office fires (used to make smores), a broken window (for a base jumping experiment) , a car in the parking lot may have been overturned and lit on fire and some chickens are unexplainably floating around the building.  (Kinda reminds me of the movie The Hangover)

Small Minor Difference

Dave Attell:
"There is only a small difference between cuddling and holding someone hostage."

Geocaching

Got a couple hundred bucks, lots of spare time, walking shoes, keen eyesight and a sense of direction? No? Well... bummer. Then don't check out this website:

GeoCaching

What could be better than running around like a kid and hiding stuff for people to find?

Well, I borrowed a GPS unit from one of our interns. Nice gadget. I'll have to remember to return it to him.

I went in search of one of the items. Supposedly they even rank how easy it is to find this stuff. I went after something that was supposed to be relatively easy to find.

Well the Latitude/Longitude coordinates were smack on top of a bridge in a neighborhood. I said the only logical thing that could explain the possible hiding place of this ... whatever it is I'm supposed to be looking for.

"WTF?"

I check the railing along the bridge. Nope. No magnets holding anything on. I looked around the edges of grass along the road. Hmm... No man holes. heheheh.... man holes.

I finally wandered down under the bridge. And jolly rodger I found it!

A couple of used condoms and a half empty tub of Country Crock. Looks like I missed the party.
I will never do this again. Although I have been hiding stuff under bridges myself.

LAN Party coming up!

Everyone is gearing up for the upcoming LAN party. We are holding it at the office after hours. Of course, everyone has their own job for preparation: bring chips (intern #1), bring Cherry Coke Zero (intern #2), bring Mountain Dew (interns #3-7), etc... But others are preparing in other ways.

Ben is our resident gun nut. He pwns at every first person or third person shooter ever. So his strategy for the LAN party is sleeping a TON. The guy goes to be every night @ 8:00 PM.

Wayne is our resident music/movie/XBox fiend. His preparation is a caffeine driven one. He has cut out all caffeine from his diet in the last week. This way when he has all that Cherry Coke touch his tongue it will highten his senses to a blistering peak.

Lurch has secretly been playing the game of choice for the party like mad. He has downloaded every walkthrough, every hint and known strategy and is currently committing them all to memory. There is only one catch and we haven't told him about it yet.

We do not know what game we will be playing. Everyone is bringing their gear. And randomly we will chose which battle to play. There will be an Xbox, plenty of work machines ready for COD, Wii, and PS3.

Myself? I'm doing the beginner's luck strategy. I do my best when the game is fresh and new. After a few rounds I'll have my favorite spots depending on my game style and I'll own a couple headshots. So I've just been getting tennis elbow with some Wii. Hopefully the complete genre change will benefit me.

Cheers,

Random Observation - Hygiene

There are about 4 dozen people in our office; lots of cubicals, priveledged people get offices, receptionists, sales people, yadda yadda yadda. I'm guessing on average at least 3-4 people brush their teeth at work every morning. There are a couple reasons why. I've fallen into all of them unfortunately.

1. You used up the limit of possible extensions on your snooze alarm and rather than show up 5 minutes late you will take 10 minutes planning and executing a tooth brush run while at work.

2. This is gross. But the sink at work is cleaner than the sink at home. So you prefer to brush at home rather than unclog your home sink.

3. Monday morning meeting, or should I say Thursday afternoon meeting, requires pearly whites and fresh breathe.

Here's to your health!

Methane Gas Arguement

There is an argument going on right now about methane gas. Everyone knows that mass beef production produces a lot of methane. But did you know that the "meat industry produces more greenhouse gases than all the SUVs, cars, trucks, planes, and ships in the world combined." (Steinfield, 2006)

A funny line from Bill Maher said something to the effect: "It is better to eat a salad in your hummer than a cheeseburger in your hybrid."

A popular thing to do right now is to change your diet. Lots of people are urging everyone to eat more of a leafy diet. Of course, doing this in proportion might be the right idea but going full veggie is just wrong and I'll tell you why.

We had a young guy at the office fall for the vegan tattooed hottie at the burrito bar down the street. He changed from eating the triple steak beefuritto to the squash, zucchini, parsley and curry slammer. Poor guy. He went to the hospital a week later after changing his diet. Severe stomach and chest pain. Turns out it was gas build-up from his diet change. Now he takes beano with every meal, burns incents constantly and can't bench as much as he used to.

He's gotten pale. It is funny when a burger crosses his path. He looks insane and is intensively locked onto the meat like some twisted 100 year old vampire that still enjoys going to high school.



H. Steinfeld et al., Livestock's Long Shadow: Environmental Issues and Options, Livestock, Environment and Development (2006).

Unknown Network Located

Woot woot!

While setting up the interns new clos.., err, "office" they discovered a network port in the wall behind an old filing cabinet. When plugged in this takes you to a network not found within our office. Not sure on the details. Greg, or Craig, or whatever his name is, I call him cupcake :), is working on the details. But what we do know is that it has internet.

Short term plans: Turn old receptionist computer into Linux file sharing server of questionable material.

Cheerio,

New Interns

Our last interns didn't last a long time. Funny. I would have thought that not doing any real work would have kept them around a long time. We only made them wash our cars and go pick up lunch. Couldn't have been that bad, right?

Of the new lot of interns, Jim is our chief intern. Not because he is the oldest or smartest. He is designated as chief because he is the first to do any crap work. Jim had the fortunate job of assigning each intern to an actual employee today for the first of many new intern games.

Acidity Test
The Acidity Test is a test of the acid strength in your urine. How the challenge works is that your facilitator or intern monitors or is the caretaker of your individual urinal cake. The facilitator handles the urinal cake. The facilitator puts the cake in the urinal, removes it and stores it until the next usage.

All cakes are measured in size and determined density and mass at the beginning of the contest. At the end of the contest the employee with the urinal cake that has been deteriorated the most is declared the victor.

Prizes!
There should always be a prize at the end of every contest. Whether it is beer, money, a zip file with questionable contents or a razor (long story). This particular contest, being that we just got these people and we do not know much about them, we have decided that the winner gets to pick their intern. Especially if you think that your current intern is a pain. I'm guessing most will not try and pick Jim as he is Chief Intern and usually running errands all phreakin' day long for everyone in the office anyways.